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2008-08-19
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PIECE OF SHIT!?
Magnus: This isn't zombie apocalypse, more like a nuisance. Makes me vomit and diarrhoea at the same time it’s that bad/sad.
Ethan: 'not enough zombies... ok we'll let you kill a poodle'. See if they get their 100 zombies in the maintenance tunnel. This is like going to a mall in butfuck nowhere when they let old people use the place for exercise in the mornings.
- Magnus
2008-08-18
LARA SEARCHING FOR THOR’S HAMMER IN… THAILAND?
Big titted Tomb Raider heads for the sex capital of the world in search of “Thor’s Hammer”.
Magnus: maybe Thor is just like his fellow Europeans now. Has a taste for Thai hookah
Ethan: no need fo clowbah laydee, we fly kite – open fo yoo easy. Yoo no call me shot lown … or I lub yoo long time when yoo sleep nah
- E. Cole / Magnus
2008-08-17
SMALLVILLE SEASON 8
"None of the first few scripts team up Clark and Jimmy. Instead, it's all Clark and Lois doing the investigative journo-ing." – Matt Mitovich, TV Guide
Ethan: of course it is... with investigative journo-ing - hacking with macs and going through blogs...
Magnus: *type something on keyboard* 'Clark I've hacked into his mainframe'
Ethan: ‘My gosh Lois... you had your chest enlarged?"
The premise:
Introducing new sluts with Kryptonite nipple rings and a labia piercing; in addition the Metropolis hookers squirting radioactive krypton-juice.The Teaser:
"His hardest challenge.""For when a hero must rise, something must fall."
Clark: Don’t you ever call me small-ville!
Coming this fall to theCW (cunt wart)
Supplement:
Given the introduction of clitonite, the show ends with an AIDS PSA by the Clintons.
Now that's a show, the only thing hotter than the tv-safe cleavage with faded surgery marks and those pulsing green veins is perhaps a swastika shaved patch below the gunt.
This too much for you "sad" pussies? Go have a Cuddle Party.
- E. Cole / Magnus
2008-08-11
SOMETHING FROM CROYDON???
Since when the hell did anything come out of Croydon? It would seem that it's the latest Lara Croft model: Alison Carroll. If I wasn’t overly inebriated, at this point… perhaps I’d make a joke about the Nestle building... and juxtapose it with her wonderful buoyancy.
(click to enlarge)
The BBC reports:
“A women from Croydon has become the new face of the action heroine Lara Croft, beating off over a hundred females for the role.”
Whilst many a male is beating off – including the editor apparently (as evidenced by the typo above).
(sorry no click to enlarge for this one)
"You can tell she’s really looking after herself"
Magnus: Yeah I can tell, that’s some nice waxing there
For more pictures of the new Lara Croft model: Tomb Raider Chronicles
That’s it… now I’m punching out to beat off.
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- E. Cole
2008-08-08
RAIDERS OF THE LOST TALENT
When George Lucas was interviewed by E! regarding Indiana Jones 5:
"That sits on the shelf there as one of 50 projects that I have to deal with," Lucas admitted from the comfort of his own private ranch in Northern California.
Oh? What? SW ep 1,2,3,4,5,6 super revamped edition? 3dified? more SW? Let's face it you senile excuse of a director, you only know how to make star wars films and you forgot how back in '99.
"It's really impossible, because it has to be real. It has to be something that actually happens, it has to be something people know about, and it has to be supernatural."
As real as a cgi forest?
"It's a really difficult research project, which they're researching now. Last time, it took us 14 years."
You mean it took you 14 years to spend the money you made from the Indy trilogy and it was time to get off your ass and milk him some more.
I suggest the next film, you can have Indy search the globe to find your lost talents....only to have him fail and realise that there wasn't any to begin with. How's that for a twist.
- Magnus
2008-08-05
LICK YOUR OWN WOUNDS
We as human beings have to care. More than that, we gotta care ‘cause we’re all so good and pure man! And we’ve gotta stick together and fight the power man! “Yeah man, cause this is the time of the geeks, we’re cool now”. We’re supposed to care some more when/because it’s somehow related to ‘video games’. It’s so hip to be square. And this won’t be televised – although it might since youtube videos dug up by interns now passes as investigative journalism. So this here story; now classified as “very sad news”, sad because we all knew the victim, and it’s always sad when someone dies, and since there are people dieing all the time – Hello Africa (assuming you have internet) – that it suddenly makes sense why those sappy fucking emo’s are crying and sad the whole time. No need to worry about global warming and the world drying up – cry a damn river emo’s… Scratch that – who the fuck wants to drink desalinated emo tears – shit might be contagious in this growing era of stupidity.
- E. Cole
2008-08-04
GTA: THAILAND
 |
"He said he wanted to find out if it was as easy in real life to rob a taxi as it was in the game" This evidently isn’t a sign of mental problems… say… differentiating ‘fantasy’ from ‘reality’… no, he’s grounded… but what’s clear is he obviously didn’t pay attention in school; if you’re going to do an experiment you need a control factor and a decent method to test the hypothesis. Kids today… |
Amusement could also be found in the fact that by asking “video game arcades to pull the games from service” they’re actually doing a good service – as some arcades shouldn’t have the game setup for play in the manner that violates the terms of use. But who really gives a toss.
Banning the game wouldn’t mean shit locally, only internationally; since Violence [it’s so good it gets a capital] and Video Games is truly sensational (I get a tingle in my genitals every time). The ‘official channels’ of buying games are a mother fucking rip off, what with their bullshit taxes and mark ups. Buying it at stores where they self-import is the way to go; and nothing will change.
Further, should these idiots (and this is a fact – not an insult, if I were to insult them I’d call them a bunch of out-dated-rancid-saggy-flappy-labia-lipped geriatric politicunts) even impose a ban, it wont make a slight difference due to piracy, which is easy on the PS2, PSP and XBOX 360. Not just the PC – which many developers like to use as a piracy scape-goat. It’s far easier to run a pirated game on the 360 (hell it practically pays for itself) none of that bullshit crack nonsense. But I digress, here’s evidence of idiocy – this isn’t a ban so much as a warning; of games that could be banned:
- GTA-Grand Theft Auto
- Manhunt
- Scarface
- 50 Cent: Bulletproof
- 300: The Videogame
- The Godfather
- Killer 7
- Resident Evil 4
- God of War
- Hitman: Blood Money
(source: Mthai)
It’s good to see these cockroaches are up to date… not even mentioning which GTA it is – which is expected, much like that down under continent which no one cares about.
"This time-bomb has already exploded and the situation could get worse," / "Today it is a cab driver, but tomorrow it could be a video game shop owner." – Ladda Thangsupachai, director of the ministry's Cultural Surveillance Centre
Source: Reuters
It’s also provides some amusement that no one seems to take issue with something as warm, friendly and understanding as a Cultural Surveillance Center. That just rings of all the needed fuzzyness (yeah it should be ‘i’ not ‘y’) that society should cling too. My bad… this is expected from supposed backwater country.
Time for a smoke, while that’s still legal – although I have to keep dodging the flailing sickles and ban hammers.
- E. Cole
2008-08-01
“NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU CANADA”, NOW INCLUDING HOLLYWOOD
In the comics Wolverine is Canadian, but in the trailer for the new Wolverine movie he’s wearing a US military uniform instead of a Canadian one.
Source: io9.com
- Magnus
2008-07-31
I WANT TO BELIEVE?
source: Gawker
A 'dead monster' washes ashore in Montauk. Some may speculate with the simple "FAKE!" and such, but that isn’t getting to the heart of the matter. The following are possible scenarios that resulted in this abandoned ‘monster’:
Scenario A: Splinter got frisky with Michelangelo (he's the 'special' one), their mutant vegetables leaked onto the couch, April O’Neil came to visit and sat on it.
Scenario B: They're ninjas – they had a gangbang with her and were in and out of there without a trace... except for the + sign on the pregnancy test.
However, with some research the truth is revealed:
This also explains the arm-band, and why it’s flipping off the camera.
- E. Cole
2008-07-22
UPDATED: REVIEW
- E. Cole
2008-07-17/18
WATCH THE WATCHMEN TRAILER [UPDATED]
Yes... this news heading is lame, but the trailer is not. Far from it. Check out the world exclusive trailer at Empire Online.
UPDATE: The trailer is now officially available at: http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/watchmen/
Download:
High Res (640)
480p
720p
1080p
Magnus: One of the best trailer’s I’ve seen
Ethan: and if you've got shit net: [old Empire link removed]
- E. Cole
2008-07-17
The Dark Knight has changed things. The term ‘comic book’ seems inaccurate; hence the more commonly used term: ‘graphic novel’. Semantics are beside the point; for this film has elevated beyond the cartoony-emo care-free family fun of a standard ‘superhero’ or ‘comic book’ movie and shit all over it. This is a large scale urban drama – a character study; a boiling pot of ideals and concepts; heated to a crescendo: the utmost clusterfuck, in which catharsis and a ‘truth’ returns to entertainment. But it’s not all serious. There are times where it’ll put a smile on your face; grinning from ear to ear; for The Joker has a few gags that are quite a doozy (sardonically speaking).
- E. Cole
2008-07-16
BATMAN NOT ENTIRELY REALISTIC?
OH REALLY???
An associate professor of kinesiology and neuroscience at the University of Victoria in British Columbia, E. Paul Zehr trying to get famous by riding the Dark Knight hype.
Source: io9.com
- Magnus
2008-07-11
FINALLY
"While we are not going to go into the specifics of the meetings, we're constantly looking at how best to EXPLOIT the DC Comics characters and properties. DC is an incredibly valuable asset to Warner Bros. and plays an important role across the entire studio by providing development and franchise opportunities for all media, including films, television, home entertainment, animation, consumer products, video games and digital platforms." – Source: Comingsoon.net
Finally the idiots at WB wise up and might let DC do their own thing rather than get tied up in WB piece of shit management and development hell.
Side note: wow honesty from WB (or retarded PR?), finally admitted that they're exploiting. Now i'm just waiting for lucas to admit and say 'How best to MILK Star Wars'
- Magnus
2008-07-10
LEAKED TRAILERS ARE NOT MORE FUN THAN TELEVISION
Max Panye: The Movie trailer leaked – typically a shit resolution one for everyone on the wise and rational internets to judge quality of the film.
From what little fidelity that’s available; there are some potentially stunning visuals and money shots. I’m sold on the flesh of fallen angels.
- E. Cole
2008-07-09
MGS4 shares many of the same issues as MGS2; it’s launched on a new platform and has to be accessible to a new audience as well as cater to the fan base. Unfortunately Kojima fell back into the MGS2 frame; where the old (legitimate) complaints are still evident – coming off more like a semi-interactive movie than a game. Why it turned out this way… when MGS3 remedied that issue with an excellent balance.
- E. Cole
2008-07-02
(note this vid was created over 2 years ago)
- Magnus
2008-07-01
WEB OF SHIT
move cursor over to see the real pic
- Magnus
2008-07-01
CRYSIS WARHEAD
Crysis: Warhead; return as Psycho in open terrain where you have true freedom as a super soldier (not a super human), in what appears to be a more action oriented outing; with more vehicles which Sandbox2 players may have already tried.
The gameplay style exhibited is how we should/can [and do] play anyway; which raises potential concern: hopefully Crytek will stick to their original expectation that gamers playing Crysis are actually intelligent – not crying like a bunch of whiny cunts that populate the internets sobbing like pussies that cloak doesn’t last long enough. Fuck catering to these types running hiding, recharging, running some more and repeat then moan that they keep dying. This is how an action oriented Deus Ex sequel should be – free of the watered down form of a console shooter.
With any luck we’ll be able to Hulk it out allowing Psycho to pick up and throw cars, particularly as the objectives seem more action oriented objectives: blow the shit out of everything (which can actually be done in the original – for you whiny stupid fucking maggots who complained about the gameplay).
Provided there are new levels, environments, cutscens and some insight into the adventures of Prophet Doakes all seems set up for good.
- E. Cole
2008-06-28
In other news, massive earthquake in South Korea and a new disease causing Koreans to burst their pants.
- 20 years after Diablo 2
-
Two new classes (as of now): barbarian and witchdoctor
- Game footage shows destructible environments
- Magnus
2008-06-28
20 MINUTES OF FAR CRY 2, SHIT NET AND A HELPING HAND
Some may already be aware that the folks at Shacknews feature a 20 Minute video of Far Cry 2 from the demonstration at DreamHack, Sweden.
BUT...
Is your net shit?
Unable to load the progressive stream to the end?
Found that you can’t save the .flv file
even though you can see it?
Fear not, here’s the link to the video:
http://media.shackvideo.com/public//video/12374.flv
Magnus: this wb commentator swears, doesn’t suit the tone. Sounded like he's trying to be cool. "I act cool so Jade can notice me"
Ethan: it’s French-Canadian over compensation "you do fuck you want"; ergo: "oui oui I av such a ardon, tu connais?"
Magnus: combat looks so so, especially after Crysis. Doesn’t seem to hold up to CoD4 either
Ehtan: yeah this is totally Crysis for wb/console
Magnus: it’s like Crysis AI but now u don’t have power. The environment is good. Main selling point.
Ethan: have an African BBQ, with ‘buddies’. It gets points for an Irish dude, but then loses points for a 'warriors' looking redneck
Magnus: Magnus meets 'buddy'. “Say hello to my little friend”. *brain splatter*
- E. Cole / Magnus
2008-06-26
Not sticking to the source material of the comic in some respects may seem like a detractor – but the original concept as a movie will almost never be made in Hollywood. The base premise remains the same – white boy runt of the litter in a dead end job is revealed to be the son of the best assassin; brought into the fold by Fox – revealing his father was recently killed. What follows: training, excellent action set pieces and no fucking (unless you count the annoying bitch girlfriend and his ‘best friend’). Director Timur Bekmambetov crafts a visual treat; this is an awesome dive into movie Millarworld.
- E. Cole