Review – Resident Evil: Extinction
- Ethan Cole
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Out of the kindness of the heart I stole from the chest of a bleeding virgin; I offer this quick rundown should you not want to be bothered with reading the full review text:
No tits, so/so gore, stupid Hollywood editing, weak graphics (very weak - especially with the birds), no trim, no tits (unless you're using bri-ish slang for retards), no real eye candy less you like Milla/Larter/Ashanti [fully clothed]... or some blonde girl no one's heard of... with a product placement [shallow bitch] name K-Mart (revealed in what’s supposed to pass as a generic character moment) – there is a scene w/ a nice pile of [dead] Alice's – if you look past the blood/death it's kind of a nice image. Then there’s some good zombie make up and a horde of bullshit action without real horror.
What follows is a fairly spoiler filled review. The reason: this movie is fucking stupid. So stupid in fact, they can’t even really be considered spoilers. So effectively consider it more of a courtesy than a real spoiler warning. If you plan on watching this, do yourself a favor and get a pirated copy – or download it. Preferably in a way where you wont have to pay for it – as you will be paying to see it. But don’t overdo it as those pricks might take it as a high demand for the movie and give us RE4: Zombie Vahsuz Gojira. There’s your community building. Fuck you.
The ‘movie’: Cosplaying saps spew some of the worst dialog imaginable through sequences from a fanboy’s script meshing together Mad Max, The Birds, and Prince of Persia, into something that allegedly relates to Resident Evil.
Given the capabilities and possibilities of visual effects in present day, it would seem even the studio is getting bored or tired with this shit – not forking up enough coin should help drive the message home – All this culminating into one of the most boring theatrical experiences in [my] recent memory. Whilst there are some elements superior to RE: Apocalypse, as a whole there’s far too much stupidity thrown about.
Contrary to popular opinion, I don’t think Paul W. S. Anderson is a bad director, however he should stay away from writing scripts. Fanboys and fan fiction are just as bad as giving good source material to Akiva Goldsman to [P.R. Vers: “tailor”] butcher. The fanboy written script contains little to do with Resident Evil; featuring even less ‘nods’ to the series than RE: Apocalypse. This is Resident Evil: The Fan Film part 3 (with budget) – more to do with the fictional creation of Alice, occasionally bumping into RE cosplayers. In regards to RE cosplaying guests, new to the mix is Wesker. Whilst his character movements and gestures are good, it's more like some fan getting his chance to cosplay on screen, as his voice/speech pattern isn’t commanding in the least; which is essential given his role in Umbrella, and allegedly the coolest character to some people.
The worst offense is perhaps the dialog which gets progressively worse with each movie, exacerbated by the lack of characters either on the page or on screen. Here’s a little gem of reeking dialog from early on:
Talking to each other over a radio (in the same convoy)
Claire: anyone got some smokes?
Carlos: is that Claire?
Ex-Pimp: Ah Claire Redfield
Telling us the ‘audience’ this is supposed to be supposed to be Claire Redfield, which is nice of them to drive that fact home since Ali Larter bares no resemblance to Claire. That is if you gloss over the stupidity that they’re in the same fucking convoy and have no need to refer to her by name repeatedly. Thanks for that stunning reveal.
There are several conversations that refer to smoking, but none is actually evident on screen, this could be an indication of the effects of chain smoking depleting the supply, but more likely some soccer-mom bitches, carbon-copy-meddling-mother-fuckers, PTA type group or some politically-correct pricks in a focus group noted the shit out of the studio. Not that smoking adds or detracts from the material since there isn’t any substance to begin with.
Typically there’s been discussion about taking the series to Japan, thus they’ve included a shot at the end in a faux Japan (Zatoichi Str.) complete with bullshit Japanese. There’s just enough setup here with an Alice VS Wesker standoff to warrant an inevitable sequel which would be even shittier than this POS.
This could easily have passed as a PG13 movie, given the lack of nudity – saw a nipple in the first flick, and two erect ones in the second… the third… is hiding somewhere shy off-screen in the re-shot mansion shower awakening scene. The element that kept it an R was more than likely the weak gore – since the only thing that passes for ‘horror’ is that bullshit loud noise after a moment of silence shit… and it’s practically the same stupid gag repeated: a fucking loud electrical spark (used in excess of 5 times), something hitting the ground (bottle/vase), and of course zombies appearing in frame.
As far as the zombies are concerned, there’s a jacked up explanation that the next stage of the experiment is to reduce them to a docile workforce; with a degree of sentience; so they can ‘think’, but like an animal – effectively domesticated. The lead scientist guy of course turns into something like that zombie-putty-specific-internal-organ-target-shots-required freaks from Biohazard 4, and typically comes off almost as stupid as the movie incarnation of Nemesis… just without the stupid ‘emotion-twist’. The ultimate idiocy comes from the fact Alice now has ‘super-powers’ which is something revealed in the synopsis… but you’d be mistaken to think it’s akin to being really strong or fast… no… she’s got telekinetic abilities, and some sort of technique to short out the Umbrella satellite – everyone’s got a fucking nanite-trait these days.
The showdown between Dr. Retard and Super-Alice is like something out of Dark City, but total shit – and even more awkward. The rest of the action in the movie is forgettable, boring and derivative – lacking any real tension or sense of danger. There was potential in the not-yet-super-Alice VS zombie dogs in a pit sequence for this, but it’s dismissed and shot in the blip-edit way that you can’t tell shit from shit. The element of tension could have been implemented by the psychobilly family connection – who through her to the dogs in the first place – though what would really have happened was the male’s would have introduced their dogs to her – and if you don’t get the implied meaning of the imminent risk involved: I mean she’d have got fucked over hardcore – literally raped and left for the dogs to gnaw on “My name is psychobilly Jim-bob ‘The Zombie’ Buck… and I like to fuck” – but then again, that didn’t even happen in The Hills Have Eye’s so in trend of playing it safe: Alice kills the zombie dogs and the psychobillies.
As for other bites, (in this instance ‘characters’ and ‘dust’) there’s Carlos and the Ex-Pimp guy making their exit from the series (kudos to their agents). The latter though is peculiar, since he came off as a bit off a pussy in an interview saying he has issues with dying on screen – he probably realized that if his character doesn’t die he’d be stuck in a dying franchise… which could be a career killer. As for Carlos’ predictable death – which is supposed to be one of them sacrifice things, which doesn’t mean to much since he’s bitten and dying anyway. His send off is somewhat amusingly juvenile: with a final toke before his vehicle explodes.
Perhaps the only good things were the soundtrack consisting of source music but nothing really quite as evocative as Marilyn Manson’s original score – but far better than the shit featured in RE: 2. Other than that, the zombie make-up was good – cant say the same for their movements which are upstaged by the Japanese zombies.
There’s no onscreen explanation as to the fate of Jill Valentine (evidently she went off with that girl from RE2 to find other survivors) which is a good thing – cause it would suck if they killed her off – not that she was particularly good in RE2, but she’s definitely nice to look at – and is the only reason why RE2 is even watchable… especially when re-edited.
No doubt the inevitable shittier sequel; with an even smaller budget and effects worse than this mid-nineties green-screen work featured here-in will be launched to it’s final death in Japan. Technically, the series could easily be saved with a good script and in the right directorial hands – but I’ve gotten better odds when playing STD roulette. Thankfully the movie's not so bad it affects the videogame franchise – in fact it makes the game’s dialog seem far better – not withstanding the 'Jill Sandwich' which I’ll take a giant bite of any fucking day of the week…
Recommended For:
- Retarded Sheep Shaggers
- Zombies
- Kid's who are as shallow as that "K-Mart" bitch
Alternatives:
- Mad Max
- The Birds
- Resident Evil 4
- Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles
Rating: 3.0/10
Cumjackulation Rating: 4.0/10
(ratings explained)