Review – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
- Ethan Cole
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Join Indiana Jones as he conveniently gets from one locale to another following a series of clues that seem to be pulled from thin air… or conveniently placed books ready for easy exposition; in scene after scene of stilted and awkward dialog punctuated with dull action set pieces.
Indiana Jones IV: Project Blue Screen; constructed in many a way to capitalize on nostalgia; with a series of nods to prior films that come off more like a fan-movie than a true sequel, despite being directed by the same guy. Unfortunately the production also falls prey to this nostalgia disease; unnecessarily bathing in the look of the era, without actually conveying the sentiments of it. The Red Scare is essentially irrelevant despite the commie Russians being the main villains, posing absolutely no threat. If anything it comes off as more tacked on background. Further, there almost appears to be a pandering message somewhere – which isn’t surprising as this also fails to function as entertainment.
This is a mess of a movie, whilst no where near as painful to watch as the trailers, it’s just as awkward, if not more so. The opening is a waste of time, showcasing nothing relevant or exciting – possibly some behind the scenes longing for an era lost; trying to recapture it on screen one last time before they drift off into total blind senility. Something about Spielberg's recent batch of film's have a massive bearing of something wrong - maybe I’ll just be generous and attribute it to the ever growing senility complex that has encapsulated the entertainment industry.
For someone that's supposed to be pro "film" one would figure it to look less like some half-assed constructed by tutorial looking weak composite job, as a majority of the visuals are flat and digital looking. Trying to capture that Technicolor vibe, the skies are burned out white, and everything is illuminated; vibrant. In a number of sequences it almost looks as if it all was shot on a sound stage. None of that great ‘film’ grit and grain appears to be present; rather it’s a shiny glossy soft-focused presentation that culminates in an ultimately bland and shallow experience. The look is more akin to a lame fantasy movie that can’t afford special effects, and at times, like TV dream sequences. To some degree the latter might have been intentional, since all the excitement amounts to a fanboy wet-dream.
This however effects the action the most, given there is no risk or sense of danger. This may as well be Indiana Jones: The Animated Series or some CD-era FMV; it’s more a cartoon than a movie. It doesn’t push suspension of disbelief, it totally challenges it and laughs in your face – many sequences are absurd, despite being (mostly) well shot. Such gems are surviving a nuclear blast; swinging on vines with monkeys; tumbling down waterfalls (if you thought Temple of Doom was retarded…). Additionally, Indy and Co. seem pretty indestructible; taking damage but with barely any effect. All is good and safe, there is no danger – these are our heroes. Before they would just scrape by through fighting for their lives and sheer luck, here they just get in and out of situations without much issue, its action for the sake of action.
The visual effects on the other hand look good, and it’s here that one can see the intent to create a look that’s a throwback to the films of old, yet with the power of modern technology, it’s just too bad there’s no substance for it to service. The appearance of the crystal skull itself seems hokey, if this was an old film it would almost be fitting, looking like a plastic alien head containing a hybrid of saran-wrap and tinfoil. However, the portrayal of the magnetic effect is cool, particularly with the first sequence where gunpowder is used to establish its location. However it’s also pretty stupid, given the fact that it’s almost selectively magnetic. If it’s wrapped in cloth, it won’t attract any metallic objects, but as soon as it’s unsheathed, it’s a different story. No doubt on the two disc DVD or Bluray we’ll find the magnetic field has a greater range and effect on other items – maybe even additional sparks added.
A few of the gags are conceptually promising, but none of them really deliver, particularly when they repeat themselves, regardless of whether they escalate or not. From a mild scorpion infestation to a heavy giant ant infestation, the same idea with the tribal types: from a roach like coipera crawling out of the walls, to another more standard looking lost-tribe type protruding from the pillars/cave walls. Even these infestations and enemies don’t pose much of a threat – merely an excuse to have something for Indy and Co. to run away from.
Worse is the third act lacks any element of suspense or inherent danger, pretty much just them standing around “I have a bad feeling about this” whilst a bunch of special effects whiz by. It’s a sequence reminiscent of Raiders, but less interesting and without the build up. Somehow, even without knowing what’s going on they manage to escape with relative ease. There was almost a Last Crusade “hold on, I’ll pull you up” styled sequence, but it doesn’t really amount to much given how pointless it was, not to mention how stupid it looks. It’s this act that makes those familiar with Frank Darabont’s concept/script wonder how much better it could have been, particularly the last visual effect sequence.
On a positive note, Harrison Ford can still pull of Indy; it’s the script that appears to be holding him back. Evidently they'd forgotten that he could actually act, so this terrible script utilizes obvious and poorly staged elements to convey the awkwardness of the situation given his age. This is easily something that could have been conveyed through a simple look. Though given the audience it's not surprising this lack of effort is in effect, since the cocksucking nostalgic fanboy retards would suckle the chaffed nipples, whilst the general populace pillocks would eat up whatever they're fed and told to watch - all set up for the obviously groomed Shia (as Mutt, who likes to play with his little knife) to take over in a spin off. Even as far as having a deranged John Hurt repeat the relationship. If that wasn’t enough there’s an almost literal passing of the baton, so even the stupidest members of the audience can feel the beating over the head.
The actors can’t really be faulted as they had very little to work with; there isn’t any real dialog in the movie. Pretty much every word out of Indy’s mouth is exposition, and what’s supposed to pass as character and relationships is contrived, generic and attempting to tell the audience there’s some backstory – but none of it is evidence in action, particularly the relationship between Indy and Marion – it’s awkwardly forced. Similarly there’s supposed to be a history between Indy and Mac, but it only comes through expository dialog, as they only have a few scant scenes together. In which Mac usually just yells “Jonesie” a whole lot.
As a result the pacing is terrible, not helped by some choppy editing – it’s one scene spliced after the next of uninteresting dialog and performances that don’t make much sense. There aren’t any real characters here as much as caricatures dropped in merely for the sake of the next set piece. Whilst this would be fine in theory, they need to at least have personality or at least be fucking established and built up as something that Indy has to logically fight against. Further Indy gets dragged back into commie hands he becomes red exposition, telling them and the audience what needs to be done and where they’re going to go. There’s no distrust or emotional investment, unless spouting the odd quip when strapped to a chair counts.
Indiana Jones IV is a fairly forgettable experience, despite the absurdity of events. If you've got a PS3 go play Uncharted instead, because Indy should've stayed in the museum where he belongs.
Rating: 4.8/10
Cumjackulation Rating: 8.5/10
(ratings explained)