Review – Live Free or Die Hard
aka Die Hard 4.0 (because it’s about computers)
- Ethan Cole

"It's: YIPPIE-KI-YAY MOTHER FUCKER"
- Gus 'Magnus' McManus

Highlights: Detractors:
  • Aspirin
  • Die Hard: The Parody
  • Gimicky

A man with McClane’s name is upgraded for the new generation, in order to defend the “I’m a Mac”-guy from a disgruntled pussy who decides to throw a tantrum that involves shutting down Hollywood’s idea of technology in America.

The first Die Hard is the text book example of the perfect action suspense movie, from a technical and presentation standpoint – Live Free or Die Hard is an example how to fuck it all up.

I wont bother getting into the tech. side of things as it’s obviously bullshit, with a heavy dose of contradictions – it’s as you should expect; the typical visual interfaces, even for something as simple as a touch-keypad.  The ignorant masses can be impressed.  Go back to sleep.

One would have [foolishly] thought that Fox would have taken some degree of responsibility and/or effort to make a proper sequel for a film that defined a Hollywood action genre.  Admittedly Die Hard 2 and 3 weren’t as good as the original, but they were proper action movies in their own way.  In addition to this, there is a realism and plausibility to the events, particularly why McClane would be tangled up yet again in the chaos.  In this case, there’s no reason that McClane and Thomas have any reason to talk to each other – with the exception that it’s convenient for the script and fitting with the Die Hard Trilogy Cliffnotes, but clearly skipping over the point where McClane establishes contact when he begins meddling with their plans.

What made Die Hard 3 work, despite some over the top action sequences, was that it was in the hands of a competent director; who knew how to shoot action properly and logically. McTiernan used camera movement expressively, going so far as to setup radio conversations between McClane and Powell so the lines of sights almost match in the edits.  Whereas Wiseman has the camera constantly moving for no apparent reason outside of the fact he can (or some misguided concept that this is how tension is generated) sometimes jamming the camera right up to peoples faces and moving it about… this isn’t a home-made music video... stop moving the god damned camera so much; it’s not creating that faux-reality.  Funnily enough, the movie right down to cutting to shots of a music video. So it blends well, no surprise.  This isn’t a good thing.  Whilst this may be Wiseman’s best movie, it’s still not saying much, as he still frames and shoots stuff like someone who just discovered Photoshop and a book on composition.

Given the cartoon-like nature of this movie, it’s almost no surprise that logic isn’t a factor.  This almost parody-esque taint is plastered throughout, in particular the CTU styled FBI Headquarters and concept of offices which is a jarring tangent from the police station in Die Hard 3 – coming off alive and realistic, making the impact of the chaos introduced later more dramatic.  No slow-motion-kill-audio-ambience-cue:music sequence needed here.  This is something also evident in the tone and inherent risk involved in the environment where the urban environment in Die Hard 4 is merely a setting for an action set piece, the city of Die Hard 3 was living and breathing – and the attacks actually posed some risk that can be appreciated vicariously.

The edits are rapid cuts rather than building tension and establishing geography.  It's a mess, with continuity flaws.  Times when it seems the characters aren’t even the same room - even when they're standing right next to each other, so far disjointed that some conversations don’t even flow; a character interrupting via a jarring edit.

The lack of tension is the most evident where McClane is barking orders aggressively while limping long is still trying to take it all in - at least that's the idea.  The setups and cutting reeks of inconsistency - the content of the shots not matching - seemingly Wiseman using the budget so he has a good demo reel, with all the shots he wanted to get but couldn’t, and in tune with Underworld something that would make a great trailer.  Which all culminates into a grand lack of momentum is evident in this hard light glossy Die Hard [faux] 4.0, the sheen of the new generation.

In terms of the plot, Die Hard 4.0 uses the same gimmick that Die Hard 3 recycled from Die Hard – essentially “who said we were terrorists” – simply on the surface, a cover for their actual intent; a robbery.  Except here it’s shallow, simplified for a simple world; now with a difference-of-belief twist.  You can almost hear the cries “You just don’t get me man”.

The essence of Die Hard lies in McClane’s struggle to survive, none of this is present here.  McClane, the superhero:  able to see a Long distance shooter across in another building in the dark.  He's carrying Spartan blood.  This is McClane 2.0 - he's upgraded, the cost of the power up, was his weariness and personality.  But this, works out well for him, particularly since he's got his trigger finger in Lady Luck's love package.  Evidence of luck: a shootout in the apartment.  His luck, so fine, that a Terminator figure falls right onto the Del key, just in time to blow the 1 bad guy up, and establish the story point.  And the machine gun magically landing in front of him for pick up.  Lady Luck returns the favour.  If you've seen the trailer, you’re no doubt familiar with the bullshit involved in the good fortune of avoiding a airborne careening car - properly framed - there's no risk here.  Just a show... It's appropriate for this digital age, and more so that the title invokes it; given how they're all playing pretend and the chaos is added later.  Go back to sleep

The Die Hard Trilogy has traditionally had memorable bad guys, distinctive appearances, and features.  Here, they’re simply a bunch of generic geeks, hired muscle and gimmick based.  Further the bad guys speak French, which from a standpoint of terrorists who aren’t terrorists (without the Eurotrash vibe here), they can easily be perceived by some as having absolutely no form of threat.  Even if some of them can punch through a car window without protecting their hands.  Which makes sense, as it's the kind of people the pussy-about-to-cry-looking boss, played by completely non-threatening Timothy Olyphant would need to hire and hide behind (when he’s not hiding behind a series of geeks ready to do his bidding).  Unlike the original Die Hard’s these guys have no real background.  To make matters worse... they’re all following the lead of some hobbit reject whose voice is annoying, particularly when he tries to express any form of aggressive behavior.  "You have no idea of who I am or what I am capable of?" ... err... you gonna cry and throw a tantrum?  As it turns out, he does, whilst acting stiff and smiling from time to time.

Not to mention Thomas' idea of a message that's a threat to the public is like a youtube video.  No doubt there’s some kids who don’t know shit about shit getting off on it, yeah that's sticking it to the man... nice one, real threatening – but possible given the fact everyone’s turning into a fucking shit scared teary eyed pussy these days.

Justin Long plays a girl, so in a sense accurately represents most of the internet styled fanboy-stereotypes (of sorts), which probably allows for the base audience to invest in his character.  I almost expected the first encounter with McClane to go down something like: "I'm a Mac" "yeah and I’m a cheeseburger, open the fucking door".  It goes without saying this wasn’t the case.  The McClane/Farrell dynamic is definitely mismatched with their energy levels being overly contradictory eventually requiring little bits of “I’m weak” exposition from Farrell, who for someone so weak manages to survive for longer than he would – McClane must be radiating some sort of survival trait; extended contact allows absorption of the trait through osmosis.  Later there’s a scene involving the theft of a car that’s supposedly funny, in which Farrell proves his worth.  However in the time it took them to get the damn gag done they could have easily fucking stolen another god damned car.  All this is necessary though, so he and McClane can have a heart to heart.

Whilst only in a small section of the movie, Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Lucy McClane actually comes off more a McClane than Willis with her no bullshit attitude.  The family dynamic is reminiscent of The Last Boy Scout, except not nearly as developed, so there’s no being called a “fuck up”, be happy John.  Perhaps the [unintentionally] funniest aspect is the confrontation with Thomas, as far as she actually could kick the shit out of him.  So credit to the casting director, since this role is typically inhabited by a damsel in distress; trying to get off a quick tough word or two which ultimately comes off as faux toughness.

Kevin Smith... there’s an obligatory "you are the ones who are all the ball lickers!" 'caption this'... but without the caption.  By now you'd think Hollywood would stop and pretend to give a fuck about people typing on keyboard.  But I digress… As here we have an airline edit alternate dialog... that unfortunately is real dialog McClane: "Dump truck”.  Smith as Warlock is Mr. Exposition #1 giving the first glimpse at background and the happenings, and funnily enough outperforms the suits – weakly played by a bunch of forgettable generic types spouting forgettable and generic babble.

Maggie Q is good here, but her fighting is pretty much wasted, as typically this is yet another case of an obsession with close ups complimented with a total lack of coherent editing and being able shoot hand to hand combat properly.  Wiseman falls back into the shit that he presumably thinks passes for a fight, a series of shots strewn together in a disjointed manner that was witnessed in the prior Underworld movies, a series of impacts with limited effect or lead in.  As it stands it’s another draining sequence of the current trend [shit] of ‘blip editing’.

McClane falls off a ledge onto some pipes and into the car park; gets up dusts himself off and moves on - where's the pain from earlier on ey?  My bad, he's got Spartan blood.  Continuing the retarded setups that are designed to be a set piece as opposed to actually happening for a legitimate reason, McClane acquires an SUV; deciding to drive it straight through (somehow he got it into the structure) the control room, knocking her off her feet onto the hood.  Even the bad guys have a degree of resistance to injury.  The scene reeks of idiocy as he continues to drive the vehicle straight into an elevator shaft.  Aside from the stupid setup, the scene itself has no suspense, especially since McClane deserves to fall to his fucking death for being this retarded.

Die Hard Faux, McClane; the clean thoroughly soaped pg13 mouth, a superhero to the extent that this caricature can kill a damn helicopter with a car, dodge missiles in a big-rig and hang onto the wing of a crashing fighter jet.  To compensate for this lack of the real John McClane character he’s given styled-references to the memorable moments of films prior, such as his fear of flying (handled in rectal breach form copout) and talking to himself about the absurdity of his situation.  Except it doesn’t work here.  He’s not in a jam; he’s just barely in over his head (though the irony of bringing up absurdity is something different all together...[spoiler] considering his extraordinary timing in using a fire-hydrant’s jet to knock a shooter out of the chopper[/spoiler]).  Technically the monologue could work if it was used elsewhere, not right before he’s about to kill a helicopter with a mother fucking car… Rube Goldberg’s cum shot, Lady Lucks crotch is Niagara Falls.

Even disregarding the indestructible John McClane, the action is boring.  Though not nearly as terrible as the two Underworld’s it still ditches any form of flow in order to get ‘the coolest shots possible’.  It’s been said before, “you’re not Michael Bay, so don’t bother.  In addition to this the shot structure is too perfect and clean – the characters running around all pretend like, with the chaos added later.  Further tainting the picture is the annoyance from Underworld’s making their return, the repetition of a gag; setup the same way each time.  Here, it’s the McClanes firing off the bad guy’s holstered weapons at their toes.

There’s only a few positive things worthy of mention, the first would be Macro Beltrami’s score evoking the nuances of Michael Kamen’s original, but even this can’t withstand the overly mediocre content that it’s played to.  The other would be that the stunt work, which is for the most part excellent.  Again it’s a shame it’s a shame it’s wasted on such a mediocre product.  The parkour elements are pointless, bringing nothing but gimmick to the picture (fitting appropriately into the shallow nature) yet another latch onto the trend… nothing less is expected of Hollywood (surprising they haven’t announced a US studio financing/remaking another Yamakasi movie).

The final parkour sequence bears the familiarity oddly reminiscent of the final action sequence from I, Robot, which comes as no surprise, since it’s the same cinematographer, as a result the sequence is well shot, but marred by a total lack of tension complete with an almost trade mark style of deus ex machina.  This idiocy continues into the final action sequence again unnecessarily dragged out purely for the sake of an action set piece.  Just bail out and have some real tension.  But no, he has to walk away from a giant explosion and laugh it off, because that’s what John McClane does.  Suddenly The Terminator figurine featured earlier makes sense… it was foreshadowing.

The “Yippie-ki-yay” line is better than in the trailer – actually used appropriately, and no doubt will have some fools cheering.  It doesn’t matter though in this PG-13 joke of a movie. As in the original trilogy McClane’s life is actually at stake, he doesn’t know what he’s doing is going to work – improvising – there in lies the suspense.  Here he approaches every action with massive confidence, which the writers seemingly try to write off “you’ve done this before”.

Ironically after this movie was over, I was the one who needed aspirins.

At almost 2 hours long, this was excruciating; a dull shallow experience; yet another raping of something that was once good.  Stop lulling nostalgia and go back to sleep you fucks… there's IndyIV and Dragonballz on the way.  So perhaps the only thing worse than this movie is those who actually liked it, thought it was good, and maybe even want a fucking sequel.  This is where I’d tell you to go buy a gun and bullets, then blow your limited brains out – but that’s too complicated for you to do and not fuck up.

Recommended For:

Rating: 5.0/10
Cumjackulation Rating: 8.9/10
(ratings explained)